The house we have lived in since we arrived in Derby in December 2012 has been sold and we are in the process of packing up to move on. We have been so lucky to secure a council property, just down the road from where we live at the moment. Although our current property and my son’s school will be a short drive away, much will remain the same and I am sure that we will adapt very quickly.

The new house is slightly smaller than our current house which was a worry, to begin with, however, given that we have run a home business and I have also been in the same space (with a young child) for much of it there has been a much bigger pressure on the space we are in. We have access to a lot more space now. My partner has a space for his business away from our home, I have an allotment which is developing into a wonderful place to be. There is much less demand upon our new home. It can be a place for my family to come together in, rather than being a sick-room, a photography studio, a warehouse and packing-space, a play-room.

Our move to Derby was not one we planned or necessarily wanted at the time. It was very difficult. We moved and renovated a property with a three-month-old baby and the stress eventually made me so distressed I became suicidal and spent four months in a mother and baby psychiatric unit. The house was made our home although it has never really ever been ours as it was jointly owned by an ex-partner who disappeared for a number of years, only to reappear waving a court order when the house was out of negative equity.

We have dealt with everything that life has thrown at us in the last six years – problem neighbours, mental and physical health issues which have included about nine hospitalisations in total. At times, the only thing keeping Mark and I together was a little boy asleep upstairs, but we have triumphed and emerged stronger as a result.

Despite making the best of our house here, we always resisted spending too much money on it, just in case what did transpire happened as we feared it might. Now I am moving, the stuff that I dislike about our current space that I stuffed down is reasserting itself and I am glad to know that we are finally moving to our forever home. I am going to enjoy making this space our own, truly ours, in a way we have not been able to here.

Most importantly I am so happy that we have met all the crap that life and the universe have thrown at us. We can quite rightfully stick our fingers up at the naysayers who guaranteed we would never make it.

I love my family so much. We have moved forwards together and can begin the next chapter of our lives far better prepared than I could ever have hoped for.

The idea of dialogue, in relation to my developing professional practice, and also within my research work, seems to be occurring more and more frequently. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a dialogue as either:

A conversation between two or more people as a feature of a book, play, or film. ‘the book consisted of a series of dialogues’ 

1.1 A discussion between two or more people or groups, especially one directed towards exploration of a particular subject or resolution of a problem. ‘the USA would enter into a direct dialogue with Vietnam’

However, both of these ideas are misaligned with the developing idea of dialogue that I am conceptualising.

The first place I encountered this idea was within the ‘innovation in practice’ module, where I compared the practices of Finnish ‘Open Dialogue’, a radical approach to the treatment of first episode psychosis created out of a number of different therapeutic systems developed over overall support and intervention methodology that has transformed mental and general healthcare in the Lapland region that it originated from. Longitudinal studies of Open Dialogue have demonstrated a capacity to blow ‘treatment as usual approaches’ out of the water in terms of functional and long-term recovery.

The next encounter I had with dialogue was my involvement in Autism Dialogue, a series of events organised in Sheffield based upon the principles of Bohm Dialogue. These events were a series of dialogues with no set agenda but with a selective approach to participation in which autistic and non-autistic participants were brought together to share ideas and insight with one another. This collective meaning grew from moment to moment and from event to event, building into a unique experience quite unlike anything I have had before. There were no formal methods of recording the contributions made, but I know that myself and several others have had their perceptions fundamentally altered by the process and that some really positive developments and relationships have resulted.

the third instance I have encountered dialogue was this evening in the foreword of the book ‘Reason and Rigour; how conceptual frameworks guide research.’ which describes “a dialectic stance for research, recognising that different philosophical, theoretical and methodological approaches have different strengths and limitations and that it is often most productive to try to engage these approaches with one another in ways that provide generative insight and a deeper understanding that any single theory or approach can make.” 

In all these ways, dialogue, at least to me seems to refer to something deeper and more profound than the dictionary definition given, which seems to concern itself with solving problems or the exchange of information at quite a functional level.

Dialogue as I am growing to comprehend it is a process of unfolding and understanding. It is about finding the meaning within yourself, as a person in relation to your own beliefs, with other humans and ideas and about all these things in relation to the world around you. These ideas, however, can change from moment to moment, with subtle shifts and major movements. The power of dialogue is developing an awareness of this process, of the ontological origin of your own perspective and the matter of dialogue as it occurs. So much ‘stuff’ in this world is, and has been, take for granted, from the idea that mental patients cannot make decisions for themselves to that still held by many people that you automatically consent to sex when you get married. Unless this is raised into the level of awareness, both individually and to a collective consciousness in a group or even social level we cannot begin to unpick the complexities of our contemporary experience. Furthermore, as each of us holds multiple identities which shift and change I would argue that dialogue is an essential tool for each of us to learn in order to learn and contribute to if we are to be able to cope and filter the terabytes of ‘chatter’ our digital world exposes us to each day.

Bringing this back to my own work, in developing my own methodological stance towards my final project I cannot work within the emancipatory paradigm mainly because I don’t consider myself disabled or hold that I have to subscribe to any model of disability as is suggested researchers adopting this approach should. My aim is to take a participatory stance whilst using the principles of Autism Dialogue to explore the unique relationship between myself and my counterparts. I will not describe myself in this work as a researcher, but rather a dialogical practitioner who contributes to a shared process of understanding that extends out beyond a shared verbal exchange and instead applies the same ideals and values to the development of the data and the interpretation of the finding and recommendations I make.

I know what I think I might find, but I have to put that aside, as I did when I entered dialogue and engage with what I find, even if it is challenging or even something I would usually choose not to engage with.

Reference:

Things have been a bit quiet on my blog for the last six months. A lot has happened, mainly positive, and with some challenges. The main change has been a house move. We still live in Derby but the house we were in had to be sold because of being owned by my partner and his ex-girlfriend who wanted the release equity, via a County Court case, which was quite stressful as you might imagine.

We were declared homeless in January and were lucky enough to secure a council house about ten minutes away from our previous home, meaning M could stay in the same school and all my support could stay in place.

Unfortunately life threw as a slight curve ball as we discovered there was still extensive work to do four days before we were due to move. When I mean extensive I am talking about rising damp throughout the ground floor, a rotten mouldy kitchen and woodwork caused by the damp as well as a whole host of other smaller jobs to complete.

Rather than my relaxed summer reading and prepping for my thesis I instead spent it trying to keep my head above water emotionally whilst project managing a major renovation and negotiating a compensation settlement. Cue another spell under the crisis team and much stress, but I am pleased to say that we got through and I am now trying to get everything else back into order whilst still playing catch up with my new uni term’s work.

On the positive side. We now have a home that noone has any claim over. We have got rid of the rather stressful ex-partner who had been causing stress since I was pregnant; over six years in total. We are no longer running a business from our home and finally have some stability to that space without multiple demands upon it and us as a family. I am getting back into my allotment and have found someone to share the plot with me, with the added advantage that they are a winemaker and novice forager too!

All-in-all it has been a tough six months but the important thing is that I, we, got through. Things that would have caused me to end up as an inpatient didn’t have anywhere near as bad an impact as it would have previously. It is good and satisfying to know that I have moved on and have healed, truly in the Buddhist sense of ‘this too shall pass’. Most importantly the last six months, despite the extra stress, seem to have cemented my primary relationship. Although I still consider myself to be polyamerous I have realised that this is enough for the moment and the forseeable future.

I am happy.

Dementia is an area of mental health that I have not had so much awareness of, and so the chance to co-facilitate a group specifically designing for the memory problems associated with dementia was a really positive opportunity. The brief for the MinD project worked across several areas that I have professional interest and experience in. Firstly, digital technology (I worked in digital marketing for nearly 8 years) as a solution to aiding with memory and other executive functioning challenges. Secondly, the products and devices that use this technology and how they can be best designed to aid with memory issues for those with dementia (I also have a degree in 3D design).

The day was well organised and facilitated by Julie, including a last-minute panic when my car broke down – a taxi was efficiently ordered and paid for the project, which was hugely appreciated as I have difficulties travelling on public transport. It made me feel like my participation was really valued. Comprehensive information in writing was presented in good time which helps me manage my own anxieties around not knowing what is going to happen.

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Julie ran the day itself with a light touch, just enough guidance about what she needed and expected from the day, but with plenty of leeways for us to let our personalities shine through and connect with the Experts by Experience. Coffee and cake were plentiful and everyone was very relaxed, both to look and listen to.

The day finished with an insightful talk by Institute of Mental Health staff on the MinD project and participatory research more generally. Lunch was provided and unfortunately, I had to leave early and so miss the afternoon session, but hope to be able to take part in future events and also to read any outcomes from the day itself.

A very interesting, thoughtful and insightful experience.

Today I was invited to speak at the the first SHADA event of 2018, which has a specific focus on the autism spectrum and sexuality intersection. This is of growing interest to me, but the original invitation was extended last summer in June. The timing was auspicious to say the least.

The event was attended by a range of professionals with an interest in disability and sexual health  / expression, from Occupational Therapists, to educators and those working for advocacy and information services like Brooke.

The event was hosted by Tuppy Owens (a huge starstruck moment for me as I have owned one of Tuppy’s books since I was 17) who is a sex therapist and educator and  Claire de Than, a human rights expert and self-confessed disruptor. I had met Claire the previous year at a conference hosted by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists when she spoke about the importance of fun [code word for SEX] in the everyday life of a human – disabled or not.

The SHADA event had a really informal feel. Speakers didn’t mind interruptions and conversation flowed freely between them and the audience on a number of occasions. This is great for me, as my processing means that I struggle to hold a question until the end and trying to do so affects my ability to concentrate in the meanwhile.

Mary Doyle, of rocket girl coaching spoke of the importance of coaching for disabled people, and her mission to dispel the myth that coaching is for male, white executives only, a point-of-view I wholeheartedly agree with after my own fabulous coaching with Lizzie Paish this time last year. Mary has cerebral palsy, but spoke from the heart about her achievements and hopes to spread some of the confidence she has gained over the course of her life and career. Mary is also training in supporting individuals with neurodivergency, which I am really excited to learn more about.

“Jenn is a natural speaker who engages with the audience and conducts herself in a relaxed, friendly way, with lots of interesting insights up her sleeve.”

Dr. Tuppy Owen

I spoke with jointly with Tuppy, from my own perspective as an autistic woman and the effect this has had on my sex [uality] and relationships. The short answer is ‘profound’, but that is another and much longer blog post.Tuppy herself spoke from her experience of supporting men on the spectrum with some really practical and considered suggestions that I was able to elaborate on in a little more detail. We were joined by Sue Newsome, a sex worker and surrogate who has worked with autistic individuals, whose accounts of the work she has done were sad, but highly illustrative of the kind of batting back and forth between services autistic individuals face every day.

After lunch Helen Dunman, a drama teacher working at the Chaley Heritage School in Brighton described the experiential stories that she has created to explain and develop understanding of sex relationship and bodies to young people and adolescents. The highly graphic nature of some of the narratives, such as sanitary towels with blood, or rubber penises on dolls with ‘semen’ on may be shocking to some, and deemed inappropriate by others, but the account of a group of young men in their twenties who all believed that masturbation would make you go blind demonstrated the desperate need for some honest and forthright conversation on the subject of our bodies and just how exactly they work.

It has been a fascinating day. I love the chance to hear about different, alternatives expressions of humanity – the idea of sexual surrogacy was not one I had encountered before. The idea of a direct expression of sexuality and intimate practice between a client and therapist makes so much sense if the expression of psychological trauma is enacted through the physical realm of the body – why should this not also be the direct medium via which to offer hope and healing as well.

As I know very well, words or lack of them, can only take you so far. Sometimes the direct experience of touch has no substitute.

“Having been impressed by Jenn’s persuasive advocacy skills,  I was delighted that she was available as a speaker at our recent meeting. She commands an audience effortlessly.”

Claire de Than