Feeling sad and a bit old

It struck me the other day, that my youth, the things I did in my teens and twenties have been consigned to history. I feel sad about this – that the popular movements, music and ideals are no longer with us. Time has moved on and I feel very old.

I suppose that I am starting to look forwards now. I am 40 in 6 years. 6 years really isn’t that long at all. I am developing a sense of my own mortality that simply doesn’t happen in in your twenties. Having children has contributed towards this – you begin to worry more about where your security will be coming from. Being able to provide becomes a necessity. You don’t just have the option of packing up and moving on if something, a job, a relationship, doesn’t suit you anymore.

I think what really made me realise this was the demise of dance-clubs. I spent a huge amount of tie working and parting in clubs and it is really sad to see that nearly half of all the licensed venues have closed in the last 10 years. The amount of clubs in Birmingham that I used to go to has dwindled to virtually nothing. The Venue, hosting Wobble and Crunch, The Steering Wheel with S.L.A.G . and my total favourite Sundissential at the Pulse and Nightingales. I used to work round the corner from here in the Angels bar and spent a lot of time across town in Subway City, one of the dirtiest venues in the city which held everything from ultra-camp gay nights to the hardcore techno House of God. I miss the feeling of unity I used to get on my evenings, weekends out. I did often disappear for 48 hours, grab a night’s sleep and go to uni’ on a Monday. God only knows how I managed to get my degree, let along a first.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life now. I love it a lot more in the last 6 months. it has been great becoming a parent, but it has been so fucking hard too. Now I have my diagnosis and am finally getting the right kind of support it has made the world of difference. My horizons are beginning to open up again instead of being closed in and narrow.

However it is still sad to know that my youth has passed. My care-free days are gone, but I look forward to seeing Mylo grow into his in the coming decades.



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